4 Stages of Grief? How They May Show Up for You
Grief can be weird. One minute, you're getting through your day. The next, you're staring at a jar of your loved one's favorite snack in the grocery store, wondering how something so ordinary can hurt so much. You might feel numb, angry, exhausted, or even okay for a while, until a memory catches you off guard and suddenly, you're not so okay.
If grief feels unpredictable, that's because it often is. It doesn't follow a tidy schedule, and unfortunately, it doesn't come with an instruction manual, either.
Here, we explore the four phases of grief associated with psychiatrists John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes. Think of them as possible ways grief can show up, not four boxes you have to check off. You might recognize yourself in one, several, or none of them.
Please note: This article is for educational purposes and isn't a substitute for professional mental health care. If you're in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
What Are the 4 Stages of Grief?
Shock and numbness, yearning and searching, disorganization and despair, and reorganization. These are often called the four stages of grief, but we'll call them phases, since grief doesn't always move through them in order. They describe experiences that can happen after losing someone close to you, from struggling to take in the loss to finding ways to live with it.
In real life, you might feel more settled for a while, then find yourself missing the person intensely after a birthday, a holiday, or a random Tuesday that reminds you of them. Grief researchers have also cautioned against treating stages as a sequence everyone should follow.
Michelle Williams, AMFT, describes grief as:
“We’ve since learned that grief is not a linear process with step by step instructions, but a messy, highly personal journey filled with unexpected waves and fluctuating feelings.”
Let's look at how each phase might show up, along with some things that may help when they do.
1. Shock and Numbness: “Is This Really Happening?”
When someone dies, your mind may understand what happened before your emotions catch up. You could feel numb, disconnected, or as if you're moving through the day on autopilot, even if your loved one’s death was expected. At times, you might not be able to cry. That doesn't mean you loved them any less. People respond to loss in different ways, and there's no required emotional performance.
Sometimes, there are simply too many things to do. You're making arrangements, answering messages, welcoming visitors, or helping other family members. You may be the person keeping everything together, even while part of you is still trying to understand what has happened.
One thing that may help: let someone carry part of the load. If a friend offers to bring food, make a call, or help with arrangements, it's okay to say yes. You don't have to have it together every minute of the day.
2. Yearning and Searching: “I Need to Tell Them Something”
Have you ever started walking into a room before remembering they're not there anymore? Or seen something funny and immediately thought of the person you'd usually send it to? That longing can be one of the hardest parts of grief, and you're not alone in it. A Yale study of 233 bereaved people found that yearning was the most common painful feeling measured in the first two years after a loss.
Part of the reason may be how our brains adapt to loss. In The Grieving Brain, neuroscientist Mary-Frances O'Connor explores how our expectations of a loved one's presence change after they die. Michelle draws on this idea to explain why grief can leave us feeling disoriented:
“Our brains are hardwired with ‘virtual maps’ that expect a loved one to always be accessible, so when they pass, the brain must physically undergo the slow, complex work of remapping those daily expectations. Feeling lost, confused, or stuck is simply a sign that your neural pathways are trying to adapt to a world that has fundamentally changed.”
You might revisit old messages, look through photos, or find comfort in their belongings. A favorite song or a familiar smell might make you feel close to them, and still leave you aching for the everyday moments you can't share anymore. There's no universal rule for what to do with their things, either. You might keep their room exactly as it is, change it around, or feel differently about it next month.
One thing that may help: check in with yourself around reminders. If a memory brings comfort, let yourself stay with it. If it feels like too much, it's okay to step away for a while.
3. Disorganization and Despair: “Why Is Everything So Hard?”
Grief can take up a surprising amount of room. You could have trouble concentrating, feel irritable, struggle with everyday tasks, or wonder who you are now that this person is gone. Sadness can show up one day, anger the next, and guilt about something you said or didn't say. Sometimes, the hardest part is not knowing what to do with all these feelings.
For some people, this phase hits after the funeral, once the initial rush of responsibilities fades. For others, it surfaces months or even years later, after they've spent that time taking care of everyone else. You might seem perfectly composed at work and fall apart at home, or find it easier to talk about the loss with one person than another.
When clients worry they're grieving “wrong,” Michelle often points them to the Mourner's Bill of Rights, written by grief educator Alan Wolfelt. As she puts it:
“You have the absolute right to experience your own unique grief, and no one else gets to dictate how, when, or what you should feel. There is no official timeline or checklist, because your grief is as distinct as the unique relationship you shared with the person you lost.”
One thing that may help: pick one small anchor for your day. It could be a morning walk, a regular mealtime, or going to bed around the same hour. When everything else feels scattered, one steady thing can give you something to hold onto.
4. Reorganization: “I'm Finding My Footing, But I Still Miss Them”
You might find yourself settling into new routines, reconnecting with people, or enjoying something without feeling sad the entire time. That can be a relief, but it can also feel kind of strange. If you're laughing again, does that mean you're leaving the person behind?
But that's not the case at all. Feeling joy doesn't cancel out love. You can miss someone deeply and still have moments when life feels good, sometimes within the same afternoon. Reorganization isn't about forgetting someone or never feeling sad again. You're not returning to exactly who you were before the loss. You're learning how to live with what has changed.
One thing that may help: notice the small shifts. Maybe a hard day feels a little more manageable, or you've found someone you can talk to. Those moments count, even while grief is still part of your life.
Making Space for Grief During the Holidays
The holidays can turn up the volume on grief. Maybe it's the empty seat at the table, a tradition that doesn't feel the same, or a familiar voice you wish you could hear. You might want to celebrate and still feel the massive hole they left, especially on days that are supposed to feel happy.
You don't have to choose between honoring someone and enjoying the holidays. You can miss them and laugh with your family. You may want to keep a tradition and decide it's too painful this year. You can feel okay in the morning and struggle by dinner. There is room for all of it.
A few things that may help:
Change the plan. Simplify the meal, adjust a tradition, or plan a way to leave early if you need to.
Make room for memories. Share a story, prepare their favorite dish, or create a small ritual if that feels comforting. You don't have to do any of these things if they feel like too much. Healing can look like coming back to a feeling when it’s safer or there’s more room for it.
Tell someone what would help. Maybe you want to talk about the person who died. Maybe you don't want to be left alone. Maybe you need permission to head home early. Tell someone you trust what kind of support would help, whether that means listening, advocating for you, or simply being there.
Let the day be imperfect. The goal isn't to make the holidays feel exactly like they used to. It's to find a way through them that gives you some room to breathe.
You Don't Have to Grieve Alone
Grief can feel especially lonely when the rest of the world seems to have moved on. Sometimes you don't need someone to find the bright side. You need someone who can sit with you through the hard part. That might be a friend, a family member, a therapist, or a group of people who know what loss feels like. You don't need to be in crisis to reach out.
Michelle sees this often in her grief groups:
"Grief was never meant to be carried alone in isolation... Sharing space with fellow grievers shifts loss from an isolating personal weight into a deeply human, shared experience."
If you'd like some company as the season approaches, Spaces Therapy is hosting Navigating Grief Through the Holidays, a one-time support group led by Michelle Williams, AMFT (#156810). It's a chance to share experiences with others who have experienced loss and explore practical ways to care for yourself this time of year.
Group details
When: November 19, 6 to 7 p.m.
Who: 3 to 8 individuals who have lost someone close to them, whether the loss happened recently or years ago.
Where: Spaces Therapy office in Highland Park, Los Angeles.
Cost: $60, with sliding-scale options available.
Refund and cancellation policy: Full refunds are available for cancellations made at least 72 hours before the group.
Curious whether this group might be right for you? Find out more about Navigating Grief Through the Holidays.
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